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By Kellyanne
Hi there,
My name is Kellyanne. I am a wrestler from Australia who is currently under contract with Ring of Honor. Special K is a guy who works behind the scenes at ROH. He emailed me with a proposal for this column, and I was ecstatic. Wait, ecstatic is the wrong word. I was horrified.
It’s 2021. You can’t engage via written word anymore unless you’re stabbing your best friend in the back to your other best friend via an internet messaging app of your choice. “You have two best friends?” No, out of all the people I know, none of them are the best. Here is a list of reasons why writing this column is not a good idea.
1. I’m not a writer. Who wants to write when you can meme? Who wants to meme when you can emote? Who wants to emote when you can sleep? Who wants to sleep when you can go out the back, get a shovel, dig a very shallow grave, then lie in it?
2. I’m not a reader. The only thing I’ve read lately is No. 1 from this list, stating how I’m not a writer and how to shave time off my busy sleep schedule by digging a shallow grave out back. There have been some outstanding books published over the last millennia. None of those books were written in 500 hundred words or less by a wrestler amid a pandemic, and to all you optimists out there with your “Well, here’s the perfect chance to be the first!” I say to you, “Bro, you never want to be the first.” People don’t like firsts. They like Stephen King. Do you know what Stephen King’s first novel was? Me neither.
3. Oversold. I feel stretched. Not physically, but more in the sense of who I am. At the moment, your life is a selling point for your wrestling. This sucks. Have you taken a look in the mirror? Life is boring. Yeah, some stuff happens in between going to the bathroom, but ultimately, we all end up in the bathroom. Elvis Presley was the greatest entertainer ever, and he died in the bathroom. He also loved deep-fried peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You can only do so many podcasts before you hate yourself. You can only tell the same story “X” amount before it stops becoming your story and just a bunch of words that automatically come out of your mouth on cue. Am I a puppet? I don’t know.
4. The algorithm. I’m not a mathematician. I don’t know if I can help ROH with their search results. What words to put where? Are we in the matrix? Is this even a blog? It’s an equation! Unless people are searching for shallow graves or how Elvis died, I do not think this column will bring in the big bucks for this company.
5. I’m a fighter. I fight by nature. “Oh, hey Kellyanne! Here’s a blank Word document, go crazy, fill it up with some words.” You may see a blank Word document, but I see a ring with ropes and a bell. I’ll fight myself on this blank Word document. I’ll read this back at some point in my life and shake my head, knowing that I defeated myself once again.
Here we are about 550 words later. None of us for the better.
See you,
K.A
The Other Side w/Kellyanne appears every other Wednesday.
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